Style Conversational Week 1184: Notes from the funny page The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over the Week 1180 comics contest Agnes was talking about rap songs, but as Loser Jesse Frankovich realized, her description was much more appropriate for something else. (From “Agnes,” June 20 /By Tony Cochran; distributed by Creators Syndicate) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // July 14, 2016 I admit that I’m much less of a regular comic strip reader in recent years; as I read more and more of The Post online, I’ve fallen out of my old routine of rushing eagerly down the stairs in the morning and, after a momentary scan of all the section fronts, turning to the back pages of Style to scan my favorites. But I made up for it — as many of you must have — by perusing 12 days’ worth of the several dozen strips and panels not only from the print Post, but also from the many extra strips it offers online . All in the name of Style Invitational Week 1180, whose results run this week. Unlike the Week 392 contest in 2001, in which we were able to use a whole color page to print comic panels with Loser-written substitutions (unfortunately, that page isn’t online), this time we had to do something more text-centered. So I offered two options: to add dialogue into the strip, although I wouldn’t be able to run more than two pictures in the results; or, in the style of our recurring “Questionable Journalism” contests, to take a line out of context and supply a question that it might answer. Most of the inking entries. including half this week’s “above the fold” ink, were in this form. Which allowed this week’s results to be full of jokes playing off the news, especially — surprise — the election season. In general, an entry was more likely to get ink if the line it played off was /not/ witty, because the Loser’s own line ended up being just the set-up line; the punch line was really the comic writer’s. For instance, several people sent this line from “Agnes”: “It sounded like Minnie Mouse reading the additives on a German can of Spam.” Great line! And so to say “What was Sarah Palin’s last speech like?” or “Tell me about Yoko Ono’s latest album” comes off as anticlimactic. Another example would be the cartoon at the top of this column. While I didn’t give it ink, I marveled at how well “Agnes” creator Tony Cochran seems to know the Invite. Booyah! (In fact, yet another “Agnes” line, “I can’t write an epic poem about colon noise,” was used by too many people who supplied a question like “What would no self-respecting Loser ever say?” ) *Not for the Mini Page: Unprintable comic lines* We’ll start with mild; had Jeff Contompasis not designated it “’Verse-Only,” I’d have thought it printable: I smell a trick. (Frazz, June 24) Not surprising, since Your Mama is home. I was thinking of running this one as a picture, with new words in Jeremy’s balloon, but worried that it might be seen as making light of sexual assault: Jeremy would say instead: “Mrs. Robinson, I didn’t agree to THIS.” (Rachel Bernhardt) Then was have this fabulous, Scarlet Letter-worthy one from Jeff Shirley: “I was going to be in your posse.” (“Agnes”) In your dreams!...oh wait, you said “posse.” And finally we get to whoaaaaah territory, from Roy Ashley: “Let me know when you’re ready to be licked clean.” (the in­cred­ibly wholesome “Red and Rover”) What signals the end of a truly Happy Ending? *WE’RE DINE OUT HERE: COME BRUNCH WITH US THIS SUNDAY* I just heard from new (and repeatedly inking) Loser Hildy Zampella that she’ll be coming to her first Loser event, this Sunday’s Loser brunch — don’t make her just sit around with me. It’s at noon, conveniently at Grevey’s sports pub just off the Beltway in Merrifield, Va., in a shopping center at Arlington Boulevard (U.S. 50) and Gallows Road (Va. 650). The menu is typical brunch/lunch fare. If you get off at the Route 50 Beltway exit, be sure to get over immediately to get off at Gallows Road or you’ll pass it. RSVP to Elden Carnahan on the Losers’ website,nrars.org ; click on “Our Social Engorgements.” And it’s not too late to sign up for Loserfest, an extended out-of-town weekend, this time in Pittsburgh. Check it out at nrars.org as well, or directly at loserfest.org . I’m going to that, too. *WRITE IT IN: THE WEEK 1184 ALTERNATIVE-CANDIDATE CONTEST * Not that I agree with the sentiment personally. But this year, soooo many people are lamenting the choice between two people they can’t stand, or at least think would be a terrible president, and so it seemed the perfect time to bring back our 2008 contest asking for more preferable candidates. Last time, at the suggestion of Loser Brendan Beary, I listed 16 possible candidates, and asked for explanations why any of them would make a good president, and/or to choose two for a ticket. The results, while fairly funny, were somewhat strained, which is why I’m letting you choose /anyone/ or /anything/ this year. Still, this is a contest that loves playing on multiple meanings of words and phrases. Here are the Week 782 results: Frequently noted: The rock doesn’t change its position every time the wind changes, and that Sweeney Todd and Britney Spears’s hairstylist would both be good at making drastic cuts. 4. Vinko Bogataj, the “agony of defeat” ski jumper from “Wide World of Sports”: People won’t mind watching him screw up the same way, over and over again. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax, a First Offender) 3. Benedict Arnold: Hey, he’s really only flip-flopped on one issue. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.) 2. the winner o f the McCain and Obama gargoyle statuettes: The Firefox browser: If the stock market ever crashed, we could simply restore the previous session. (Bryan Crain, Modesto, Calif.) And the Winner of the Inker Benedict Arnold: Now here’s a candidate who has really fought for change in American government! (Rick Wood, Falls Church) Dork Horses: Honorable Mentions /A moss-covered rock:/ Though he presents a tough exterior, time has smoothed his rough edges. And he’s a firm supporter of the environment (or firmly supported by the environment). (Alli Peterson, Newark, Del., a First Offender; and thanks to all the students at the Charter School of Wilmington who’ve been entering the Invitational week after week) At least we’ll know which direction we’re headed. (Mary Ellen Webb, Fairfax; Meredith Brown, Wilmington, Del. -- a First Offender) Moss Rock is solid in times of crisis, he’s clearly the true environmental candidate, and his campaign anthem is one of the best songs ever written. -- B. Seger (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia) /A dish of tapioca pudding:/ With the coming depression, who better to serve on America’s bread lines? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) /Ex-president James Buchanan:/ You’re not going to find any skeletons in Buchanan’s closet. Aside from Buchanan, that is. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Not only does he not get involved in other countries’ imminent civil wars, he doesn’t get involved in our own. (Bryan Crain) He won’t be having any sordid affairs with nubile young women! (Christopher Lamora, Arlington) /Krusty the Clown: Who better to follow eight years of Bozo? (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)/ /Bert from “Sesame Street”:/ Orientation aside, his monogamy is impressive -- 39 years with the same partner. (Tristan Axelrod, Brescia, Italy) It’s time, after all these years, to have a man of letters in the White House. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Although he is from outside the Beltway, he somewhat resembles the Washington Monument. (Dan Colilla, Washington, Pa.) /The Orange Line train from New Carrollton: /It’ll repeat the same messages to the same audience every day and they’ll still come back for more! (Rick Haynes, Potomac) V/inko Bogataj, the “agony of defeat” ski jumper from “Wide World of Sports”:/ He’s arguably the world’s greatest roll model. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village) He’s a down-to-earth kind of guy. (Ed Conti, Raleigh, N.C.) /Benedict Arnold:/ He’s shown great flexibility in adjusting his views to reflect changing political realities -- and he’s provided useful assistance to our oldest and staunchest ally in the Global War on Terror. (M.C. Dornan, Scottsdale, Ariz.) /Emily Litella:/ Because, deep down, most of us would be kind of curious to see flea erections. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Because she asks the questions we need to hear, like: “What’s all this we hear about parasailin’ being good for vice president? Sure, hanging from a kite and being dragged by a boat may be fun, but is it prudent?” (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station) She’s opposed to the whore in Iraq and our young soldiers being maimed by exploding IUDs. Why are we sending our troops to an Iraqi whore anyway? What’s wrong with American whores? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.) /Sweeney Todd:/ No rubber chicken at HIS fund-raising banquets! (Peter Metrinko) /Britney Spears’s hairstylist:/ Sure, he blows a lot of hot air, but I’ll bet he’s pretty knowledgeable about domestic affairs. (Mae Scanlan, Washington) Managing the budget of a country with a huge deficit will be no problem for this candidate: He’s used to doing a lot with nothing. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.) A true populist: He’ll give the top half and the bottom half the same treatment. (Jay Shuck) /Cartman: /When mortgages fail and countless families declare bankruptcy, we will want a leader capable of jumping at least three homeless people at once. (Sean Dolan, Wilmington, Del., a First Offender) /A 49-cent goldfish from Wal-Mart:/ Because it’s time for a new bag of carp in the White House. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Vote Goldfish: You know he’s in the tank for you. (Bruce Alter) /Chuck Smith of Woodbridge:/ Look at his success in foreign policy: He’s already had a Czar and an Empress wrapped around his finger. (Marc Boysworth, Burke) I can see Dale City from my house. As for foreign relations, I’ve traveled to Mexico, specifically Cancun, and experienced a bad hangover on the plane ride back. I’ve often been quoted in The Washington Post. I am an expert on natural gas, as I am lactose-intolerant. I have been drug-free for many years, more if you don’t count stool softeners. I am no stranger to torture, as I have attended a Celine Dion concert. Court records of my teenage years are sealed. And I once sold something on eBay. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) TICKETS /Tapioca pudding/goldfish:/ One is old-fashioned, plain, lumpy, pasty and white, the other new and unknown, with limited experience swimming in a small pond, suddenly thrust out in the world in a goldfish bowl, unable to hide. Just right for the GOP. (John Bunyan, Cincinnati) /Moss-covered rock/Benedict Arnold:/ Both the rock -- it’s no rolling stone -- and Benedict Arnold take a firm anti-revolution stance. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.) /Goldfish/Bert:/ As Sarah Palin reminds us, “We must not blink.” Here are two candidates who never will! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park; Steve Offutt, Arlington; Dan Ramish, Vienna) /Benedict Arnold/James Buchanan:/ Our counterintelligence efforts will vastly improve under two people who know what it’s like to play for the other team. (N.G. Andrews, Portsmouth, Va.) /Goldfish/Chuck Smith:/ The 49-cent goldfish, you have to wonder if there’s a lot a life left in it, and Smith constantly gets his name in the paper for saying silly things. Not the most endearing “qualities” per se, but that doesn’t seem to matter. (Christopher Lamora; Brian Cohen, Potomac) See you Sunday, I hope!